Honesty is Hard

People are always asking how Carter is doing.  "Is he drinking more?", "Is he gaining weight?",  "What is his diagnosis?", and  "What do the doctors think?"   The questions do not offend or bother me at all. In fact, they are welcomed and strangely enough the questions do not get old.  It makes me feel loved and cared for to know people are genuinely concerned about how our little guy is doing, even if they still have to ask week after week because there seems to be little improvement.  I will gladly answer questions and talk about Carter all day.  It is easy for me to be open and honest regarding him and I probably give more details than the average person might want to know.  I equate it to being some form of therapy for me.  It is a way for me to verbalize and process what I hear from doctors day in and day out.  It helps me sort it out. 

Then every so often, some kind person has the audacity to ask me how I'm doing.  That is when the openness stops.  You mean, people actually want to know how I am dealing and coping with it all?   In all reality, it is hard for me to be honest about my feelings.  It always has been. I do not like or want to be vulnerable or weak.  I prefer to put on a happy face and act like everything is great even when it may not be.  I want to come across like I have my act together.  I want to be strong and not let anything derail me.  So, when I'm asked how I'm doing, I smile and say, "I'm good." Or, if I'm feeling brave, I say, "I'm hanging in there."  And if I'm feeling bold, I say, "I'm taking it one day at a time and sometimes one hour at a time."  I know, it's vague and truth be told probably not very honest.  But like I said, vulnerability is hard for me. 

So, I've decided that it is time for me to be honest.  To try and break down the walls that I have put up.  To let all 4 readers know how the momma is handling our high needs baby. 

I know that God has called me and our family into this season.  I do not know why and I may never know why.  But, I know this is what God has chosen for me at this very point in my life.  That being said, it has been hard.  Very hard.  Everyone told me throughout my pregnancy with Carter that the second one was always easier.  And that is what I came to expect.  They lied.

For a long time it was very hard for me to adjust and come to grips with the reality of the situation.  I had a child who required special care and medical attention.  I was also trying to recover from having a baby and surgery. Needless to say I was more exhausted than words can describe and there were countless tears shed. 

At my worst, I felt completely helpless.  I am the mother of this tiny baby who is not gaining weight, who will not eat, and is very unhappy.  I felt as if I was failing.  Everything that I could tangibly do was not working.  I could not provide his nourishment needed to sustain him. I could not comfort him.  And I could not fix him.  I did not know what was wrong or what to do about it.  They labeled him failure to thrive at 3 weeks old.  And I am here to tell you that "failure to thrive" is a horrible, horrible term.  In my mind, it translated, "Mom, you are a failure."  I know that is a lie.  But, it is what I heard and understood to be truth.  Because of this, I have struggled with fear and anxiety.  I have also struggled with my capability of being a mother.  And due to Carter's situation, I felt as if I was neglecting Aiden.  At times, I have felt completely crippled by those emotions.  So, needless to say, the past 3 1/2 months have been very trying and hard. 

I know the truth of the gospel.  I know that God will not leave or forsake us.  I know that he is in control.  And that is where I have chosen to put my trust and hope.  I have to.  Or else I will fall apart and I will fail.  This does not mean I have it all together.  It also does not mean that I still do not struggle with fear and anxiety.  Because I do.  I'm terrified that Carter will end up back in the hospital.  I'm scared something else will go wrong.  But, I have to keep hoping.  I have to keep trusting.  I have to let God to lead and comfort me.

Reminding myself that God is the one in control is a daily occurrence, if not an hourly one. It is because of Him that I am able to care for Carter and Aiden with love and patience.  That I am able to tackle the overwhelming number of tests and doctors appointments without fear, even though there is much uncertainty. And it is Jesus who I give all the praise and glory to for every little success or improvement.